Welcome to my home. Take off your shoes.

So this is what it's like to be detached from the money teet, if you were curious.

These are my new digs while I'm teaching a class in marketing, while finishing up school in Binghamton. Liquor Stores, Funeral Homes and Diners, all within a 3 block radius.



As I type, I feel the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I had for dinner settles in nicely. I should have thought of that earlier.




There's the kitchen. It's cozy. Plus, the stove had some food left over from the previous tenant, which I considered generous.


To my left, a prop tentacle from the "war of the worlds," set. That's actually my shower head.

I've been in some hotels Grandma doesn't have to know about, yet I have never come across this marvel. It literally hurts when the water hits you directly, so I have to bounce the water off my hand for an indirect hit. Pros include free hardcore toothbrush. Cons include one setting. Iraqi Sandstorm.

I was thinking about going to Lowe's (there's no home depot. the horror...) and getting a new shower head. Not cause I can't take the heat, but it would be nice to not hold the death machine while I try avoid zapping off my genitals with it's power spray.

I called my mom.


Me: I need to go to Lowe's and get a new shower head.

Mom: Isn't that expensive?

Me: It should be around 30, 40.

Mom: (pause) American?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: But it could be more, and then you have to measure it and all this stuff.

Me: No, just measure it. (beat) No stuff, just measure it.

Mom: Alright, but what are you going to use to measure it? (pause) It just feels like alot of work.

Me: Yeah, that's too much work.



"Too much work," by the way, is the usual consensus in most of our conversations.

So, for the benefit of having it in a movie of mine some day, the shower head will stay. (Besides, it gets to all those hard to reach places.)


Now say hello to my friend, asshole toilet.


This toilet runs all the time. Something is broken, my father said when he helped me move in. I'm supposed to tell the super that he needs to get a new piece of hardware, and then install it and supposedly it will stop making the constant whirring sound that gets into my dreams.

But I've come to find my toilet doubling up as a poor man's noise machine. I think it's actually helped me get some sleep with it's, Irish Spring. White noise is white noise. And it doesn't need batteries!

Big Night

Chapter Two: Big Night

That's my mom with Stanley Tucci. Stanley Tucci, for those of you who live under a rock, is the man.

And he went to Suny Purchase. But lets start at the beginning.


Devil Wears Prada Screening at UA Southampton.

with Mom!

I brought my mom to the screening. When we arrived, it was pouring rain and we thought no one would show.

But people did end up showing.

Including,

Rudy Freakin Guiliani and his future ex wife.

Stanley Tucci and on again off again wife.

Producer of Devil Wears Prada, Wendy Finerman.

The Guy who will inherit the Seagram's Empire.

Bob Balaban, character actor. (Imdb)

Robert Wilson. Theatre guy.

What a gillian's isle crew. And then, of course...

Doesn't she look like one a dem movie stars?

This was after everyone moved in. Oh, I met Gina Glickman, this long island broad who does the news 12 "hot in the hamptons" feature. Oy vey.

But Stanley Tucci and I, well, we were in the trenches of State School Goodness.

Coming up, movie review and words of wisdom from a guy who was on broadway.

And Free Breadsticks!

Celebrate your independence

Well now.

It's been a long time, so let's catch up.

I think I've finally hit my groove, working for the press. My basic duties include a weekly itinerary of two feature articles, one of a dining out column and one Parrish Art museum snippet.
The dining out column is like a restaurant review, except you can't say anything bad, because out here, most restaurants are owned by a culinary oligarchy, who would be more than willing to pull their advertising from the paper if something negative came out.
The paper's stance is that the column is just to let people know what new restaurants are out here. It's a regional paper, but it's something to fix before I leave.


I saw Keanu Reeves in "Thumbsucker," maybe the best performance of his career. Its like a self-parody of his own acting, I can't even talk. I liked it.


So uh, on to the fun stuff.

I go to movie premieres:

That's Ed Burns and Christy Turlington. Ed Burns was out in the Hamptons promoting his new movie, "The Groomsmen." (Period inside?) I was sent down to the premiere to do two things.

1: Take Picture of Ed Burns
2: Get a sit down interview

So ah, right.

When I get to the premiere, I'm surrounded by hoochie PR bitches. They are girls, I mean girls, because I've met women. These girls, who are dressed like they missed the limo to their senior prom, are hanging around a desk, with a list that, Oh yes, has my name on it.

Hoochie 1: So I said that wasn't cool...Um, Can I help you?
MS: I'm with the Southampton Press. Cinema Society Guy is supposed to meet me here. Hoochie 2: God, you're so hot, I used to diss guys like you in High School, but now you're a fucking stud...
MS: Very understandable, but you're already starting to look like my mom's friends.
Hoochie 2: We just want to have some fun...(pout)

I have a contact. A man who runs the Cinema Society, and helps with the Hamptons Film Festival, a big deal out here. When I tell the girls he wanted to see me, they motion toward the theatre and go back to their talkin'.

Sluts.

The theater is United Artists Southampton. It's a nice, old movie theatre, one that's used for premieres, screenings and whoever is left of the locals to actually watch movies there.

I meet my contact, a man who wears a blue blazer, vertical pinstripe strawberry shortcake peacock colored shirt and ripped jeans. Everything he wore I'm guessing was more expensive than my Bar-mitzvah. And that had the Simpsons Arcade game!


I have a sweet image of the Simpsons Arcade game, but I can't upload any more images. Is anyone else having this problem?

I end up with the paparazzo, taking pictures with my Sony cybershot while everyone else has these souped up japanese cars, er, cameras. I take pictures of Howard Stern and his girlfriend, Christy Brinkley and her aryan race of a family, followed up by Ed Burns and his wife.

The movie, "The Groomsmen," starred Ed, John Leguizamo, Brittany Murphy and Jay Mohr. I say "starred" very liberally. A couple of pre-teens hung out around the theatre, near the velvet rope.

One girl shouts out "Is Britney Spears coming?"

Anyway, after Burns does the stop and repeat, he goes and talks to the Cinema Society guy, who is obviously running the show.

Ed Burns: Ah, I knew I shouldn't have used these p.r. people, they're worthless,
CSG: No, no, everything's great
Ed Burns: Noone showed up, I mean, Howard showed up...
CSG: Yeah man, I'm telling you, it's hot, baby hot!

I introduce myself:

MS, Southampton Press.

I play up getting press for the movie. He says great. I say when can you do an interview, he says, we could do an over the phone tomorrow, or we could do a sitdown closer to when the movie comes out. He then proceeds to give me his email address and phone number.
(Abridged)

So I'm flying, now. Flying. I accomplished my mission. Then, the CSG comes up to me:

CSG: Wanna see the movie?
MFS: Ahh yeyah...
CSG: Not to pressure you, or anything...

I call up Smithtown, this girl I've been seeing, who was waiting for me to finish so we could go to dinner. Turns out she was parked down the street. I call her, tell her to come meet me out here. I yell at her to hurry up.
She comes over, I then adjust myself, look her up and down, and start to promenade, past the security guards, into the theatre.

We go into the theatre, and the only seats left are very close to the screen. We reach our seats and find that there are gift bags waiting for us. Gift bags!

Now, when I think about gift bags, I'm thinking Free Stuff. That's the nature of the gift bag. Free Stuff. This, being an independent movie, had the following free stuff:

Goobers and Raisenets
Assorted Milk Chocolate
Free Subscription to the Wall Street Journal Weekend Edition
10 percent off foo-foo store in Manhattan.

Well, shit.

Smithtown and I settled into our seats. CSG said a few words, followed by Burns. Then we watch the movie.

Which I was rooting for. Really, really, rooting for.

It blew chunks. To summerize, a blatant disregard for an audience's intelligence. ---Possesive.

It didn't matter though, for me, because I didn't invest in it. Actually, it was pretty cool, cause if he could make a movie like that, I could make something really great and go with it. Do something.

Ed Burns Inspires Hope in Young Lackey
By MS

After the movie, Smithtown and I went to dinner at some Italian dive down the block. We had a waiter, a young guy, who was hallucinating after a long day of busing tables. We ordered pasta and club soda. Smithtown bought me dinner. I was on top of the world.

Coming up next...

A Purchase Reunion.

I've got a chrysler and it sits about 20

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

The End of the Road for my College Career, (Sort of!)

I did my packing, I did my macking, I did my, staten island... drug traffican...

Here it comes. You're reading the text of a reporter for...

The Southampton Press

Where I could be covering the gamut of east end news

From this:

To this:

With a little dash of:

It's looks like a celebration to me.

I'm reporting for the Arts and Leisure beat, either the weekend edition or the weekly one. Either way, I'm living out in the hamptons, I get to not be in a cubicle, I do field work...I'm convincing myself this is a job I can keep. I also wanted to take a week off to recuperate from school, but I need to get over there to see how everything's done.

So, I got two small classes to take outside of school, but besides that, I'm done, done. (I really hope I get to do a science fair, that would be sweet.)

More packing to do.

Go out and have some fun like you know you do

Love, baby

Matthew

On Holiday

The Girls I'm giving up for the new broad.

Tennis Girl: Saw her in the dining hall, gave me the ddb look, asked what I was up to later tonight, the week, asked for me to call.

Some chick named lilly: Not yours, Ales, another girl named lilly. Curvy and whatnot, witty. Stoner though, but I've gotten over that before.

Dining hall Tara: Sweet christ, she can dance. And she's cute as sunshine. Constant flirting, even more intense now that I'm off the market. Le Sigh.

Assorted Ballroom Dance Girls: Self-explanatory

Carly: Chick from queens, jewish, down to earth. Might have been in a relationship, I'm not doing the intervening shit anymore.

Make up chick from Pippin: Ok, I'm stretching it now

Bottom Line: All the girls I see, they're all new opportunities to engage and learn and game. But at the end of the day, I want to spend every night in my baby's bed. What a tool....sigh.

She fights back, she aint no pushover. I like that.

Everyone does.

More later

Love Someone!

Matthew

Money Post

Finals Week is coming...new elaborate post to come

Quick pointer.

Errol Morris (Thin Blue Line, Fog of War) has a trick that he does, where he interviews someone and he doesn't ask another question for a bit longer than usual. What happens is that the interview subject feels obligated to talk more, from feeling that he hasn't satisfied the needs of the person doing the interview.

More hand is established when you take your time.

Love

Matthew

True West

I took a trip to Colorado.

I was really happy in Colorado. My family and I took a trip to Copper Mountain, a ski resort on it's last weekend open to the public.

I was never used to having friendly people talk to me, unless they wanted something. These people were nice. Maybe it was the Jesus in the water, but I'm a new Man!

When you hit Denver, it's about 5000 ft above sea level, and at copper mountain, it's about 10,000 ft. The first day I was drinking lots of water while my body tried to figure out what was going on. It takes a day or two to get adjusted.



Colorado is very open, and sunny.

There was a health food store that riveled whole foods, in the town over. Alpine Natural Foods. Independent, kitchey. It had everything. There were girls worked there, I could see myself hanging out with them. So easy going and pretty and down to earth.

I'm assuming that they all went skiing/boarding, so they were in shape. Not out of a desire to be in shape, nothing artificial, like, "oh, I should be in shape, let me join a gym". No, they were in shape because they were living. They had a life. They were outside alot. There's something genuinely good about these people, the girls and the guys.

The pictures are from the bikini contest they had on the mountain. It was a town effort, a "This is what we've got, so let's enjoy it" kind of fun. It was alot of local girls, boarding and skiing down a small hill, while the local lacrosse team and a radio dj gave scores. My parents were really pysched to go see it. I never thought I'd be dragged to see a bikini contest, especially by my parents.

"You're seeing this contest, and you're gonna like it!"
-My mom

I was thinking to myself, what consitutes a contest? We took a bus to the other side of the resort, I pondered how legitimate this contest would be. Although it was fifty-five and sunny most of the time, I doubted that any girls would actually compete. I've never been so wrong in my life. Except that one time I made a bet against seabsicuit.
How was I supposed to know about "heart"?


Anway, back to the drawing board.

The Ratio.
Developing a good ski/sexiness ratio is harder than you think. For example,


A for Effort, but the accesories brought her down. I'd vote for her.

The chick who ended up winning really deserved to win. Nothing fancy, just good ole fashioned grinding while snowboarding.

Ladies, take note: Less is More.

I can still breathe in the air, which due to the elevation, makes your lungs tougher. It's open, and delicious.

I don't know if I could take it when it was really cold outside. They have long, brutal winters.

While walking around Frisco, a main street affair with some restaurants, we met a man named Jimbo. Jimbo!

He told us to go to JP at the ski school, and he'd take care of us.

What does that mean? Who knows or cares, his name is Jimbo.

Anyway, a native to Summit County, Jimbo told us about the brutal winters, but also about the lifestyle. Everyone seemed healthy and alive, active.

Not being in front of a computer checking email and weather = Living well.

He owned a ski shop, Precision, in one town over. He wakes up, goes skiing or fishing. Then, around 2, he goes to work. Around two! I had to remind myself, that yes, this is America.

What a Country.

Denver, part two, coming soon.

Quick Part Two

If I didn't make it clear, I belong to the ballroom dance club at my school. We learn three different moves every tuesday and thursday. I recommend enrolling in a dance class, of any kind. You get to meet alot of different people, and it's better than trolling myspace for six hours.

Onto dancing with the tennis girl. The girls learn independtly from the boys, so when it comes time to choosing partners, she starts to walk over to me. Another girl reaches me before she does, but whatever, we rotate anyway. Plus, it's better, because I can warm up with someone before I get to the girl that counts. That sounds a little disgusting, that I'm using people to warm up with, but who doesn't, I'm being honest.

Whatever, she eventually got to me, we danced, we had fun, we joked around, we danced pretty close.

We decided to leave, go get some coffee.

At the same cafe, we sit down this time.

She starts to infrequently mention her boyfriend, but intiates all this new stuff on me. (Touching my hair, face, punching me, and so forth). What is all this, I thought. I meant, I knew what it was. I played it off, but should I have done something else.

After the coffee, there was a point where I could have leaned in and kissed her. We were walking to the car. We stood. I didn't want to come off so easy.

Shouldn't kissing be earned?

Well, shit.

From Vestal, with Love

Quick Backstory:

Tennis Girl
-In shape, skinny but athletic, waspy but not, black hair, 5-10, not art cute, not cinema cute, a kind of Kennedy Beauty.
-Likes to Dance
-Thinks I can dance

We met a week ago, when we both got lost looking for the ballroom dance meeting. I walked her to my car.

Her, Me

"What are you doing now"

"I'm going to cyber cafe, get some food"

"I love cyber cafe"

"You can come if you want. I can't stay long though, I have laundry to do"

"We'd just be going there and back?"

"Yeah, I've got stuff to do"

"Okay, sure"

"Yeah, don't think this is a date or anything. I'm not that easy"

"lol, etc"

See, most guys would set up that taking a broad to get coffee almost constitutes as a date. Taking the tension out by establishing that I don't condsider this A Big Deal, I create a more enjoyable atmosphere. Science, gentlemen. Science.

During the Car ride

"What do you do"

I think about this, sincerely, because I'm not sure what I do.

"I write plays"

I have written scenes before, I plan to write more in the future.

"What are they about?"

"What are they about. That's a good question". What were my scenes about? Who cares? Trying to convey abstract neurosis to a girl I just met couldn't work, esp. after I just met her.

"You ever watch curb your enthusiasm?"

"No"

"Well, someone told me it's very funny, and I thought to myself, my scenes are funny, so they probably have alot in common."

I wish you were there, it went over very well.

Yeah so, the rest of the night in a synopsis

I was on, it helps when a girl is genuine.

What does that mean?

Cocky-funny
Push and Pull
Listening
Treated everything as not a big deal, cause it wasn't

Part Two, Coming up